


Good Advice is Hard to Come By

by GuiltyRed



Category: Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-26
Updated: 2009-12-26
Packaged: 2017-10-05 07:13:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/39135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GuiltyRed/pseuds/GuiltyRed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Crackfic. When Cid and Cloud have a little heart-to-heart, it would help if either of them knew what the conversation was about…</p>
            </blockquote>





	Good Advice is Hard to Come By

"I don't know. You'd better ask Cid."

Hearing his name, Cid looked over at Vincent. "Ask me what?"

Cloud nodded to the red-cloaked man and trotted toward the pilot. "Cid, I need your advice on something."

"Shoot, Spikey," Cid mumbled around his cigarette.

"What kind of lube do you recommend?"

Cid gaped at the innocent-faced blonde, then grabbed him by the arm and ushered him away from curious ears. "Shit, I can't believe Vincent told you to ask _me_!"

"He said he never buys the stuff," Cloud observed. "Cid, why are we leaving the bridge?"

Cid waved his cigarette vaguely in Tifa's direction – or Cait Sith's: they _were_ fairly close together – and said, "That's not the kind of advice I'm used to dispensing in mixed company."

Cloud looked at him with something approaching reverence. "But Cid, everyone knows you take the best care of your equipment! If you have your own formula, I'll gladly pay for some."

Cid sputtered and shot a murderous look in Vincent's direction. "They do, do they? Fine by me. Just someone's got a damn bigger mouth than I ever thought…"

"Er, Cid?" Cloud tapped his arm carefully, not wanting to set the man off. He seemed a bit tightly wound of late, and apparently the thought of his friends knowing too many of his secrets didn't set well. "I'm sorry if it's a delicate subject for you, I'm just a little desperate."

"Nah, don't worry about it," Cid grumbled, flinging his arm across Cloud's shoulders. "I guess you ain't got no one better to talk to about this, huh? Yeah, maybe it's for the best; Vincent isn't exactly the most experienced, if you know what I mean. Good with what he's got, but never seems to use enough to keep things from gettin' crunchy."

Cloud winced. "I would have thought he'd be more careful…"

Cid shook his head. "Not like he has that much to take care of, but yeah, it's got to last him the rest of his life, don't it?"

"I plan on making mine work nice and smooth for as long as possible," Cloud stated happily, "no matter what I put it through."

Cid eyed the younger man curiously. "I hesitate to ask just what you're thinkin' about usin' it for, Spikey…"

A shy grin stole across Cloud's face, reminding Cid of just how young and green the boy really was. "Well, you know how it is when you find something new and you just have to put it through its paces for a real good workout."

"Yessir I remember it well," Cid muttered, eyes half shut as pleasant memories drifted through his thoughts. "No matter how comfortable it gets, nothing quite beats the thrill of the new, does it? So, gotta ask, before you get yourself in a whole heap of trouble: does Tifa know?"

Cloud laughed brightly and nodded. "Tifa suggested it! She wants to have a ride after I've worked all the kinks out."

Cid's mouth hung open a moment, the cigarette dangling off his lip at a precarious tilt. "Son, I don't know whether to applaud your nerve or slap you silly!"

"…what?"

"Come on, even you can't be that naïve! Girls may _say_ they want it, but the really interesting stuff just turns them right the hell off. Take my advice, keep her out of it!"

Cloud blinked, confused. "But Cid, I thought you and Shera –"

Cid grabbed his cigarette and flung it to the floor in a spray of sparks. "I don't care who you've been listening to, Shera's _not_ that kind of woman! There's just some things better kept among the menfolk; keeps the peace that way."

Cloud sighed unhappily. "I never thought about it that way before. But Tifa really seems to want it, Cid, and I have such a hard time telling her no."

"Be a _man_, goddammit!" Cid shouted. "There's nothin' wrong with keepin' a girl in one bed and a man in t'other – keeps a fella healthy – but, _for the love of Holy,_ do _not _let 'em mingle!"

For several seconds, the only sound was the steady hum of the engines.

Then Cloud blurted, "What the hell are you talking about?"

Cid looked around at the curious stares, then back at Cloud. "Uh…what _are_ we talking about?"

"I was asking you what kind of lube you'd recommend. You know, for my bike?"

Someone coughed, not quite masking a snicker.

Cait Sith started whistling casually.

A barely-audible chuckle caught Cid's attention. He whirled and pointed at Vincent. "Don't you dare laugh, you smug sonofabitch! This is all your fault!"

Vincent tilted his head down to hide his smirk in his collar. "_I_ wasn't laughing; must have been Chaos. Besides, I just told Cloud to take his question to you, Cid. You know I don't buy that stuff."

"I know when I been done for, and you got me good," Cid grumbled, shaking his head in defeat. "Paybacks or payoffs? I say payoffs, and since it's my ship, it's my rules." Cid turned and stomped off the bridge, grumbling under his breath. Five minutes later he returned with a dusty bottle of wine and a tube of high-grade grease. Handing the lube to Cloud and the wine to Vincent, he growled, "None of this _ever_ happened, you all got that? I hear one word and you get to learn how to fly without wings."

Trying not to laugh, Tifa collected Cloud by the arm. "Come on, I've got an idea." She ushered him to one of the large bay windows and took out her phone. "Whoever answers, I want you to ask them what you just asked Cid," she murmured, dialing quickly.

"Tifa, who –?"

Tifa pushed the phone into his hands and mouthed the words "Just DO it!"

Before Cloud could hang up or hand the phone back, somebody answered. Cloud covered his eyes with his free hand so he wouldn't see Tifa shaking with silent giggles. He cleared his throat and hoped his voice sounded halfway normal as he said, "Hi, Rude. I need your advice on something…"


End file.
